Penance
by Beloved Radiance
Summary: Inspired by the spoiler about Abby getting angry in the episodes to come. This is by no way what I want to happen for the rest of the season but the angsty muse took hold and this is what it produced. Please don't kill me


To Ziva it felt as if everything in her world has spinning madly around her and collapsing inwards, like the death of a star, the formation of a black hole. Maybe that's what this was, the end of the blessed life she had made for herself in America, the point at which her entire life collapsed into a singularity – one event that would become the beginning, end and entirety of who she was. And all she felt was numb.

Being interrogated by Parsons could not in any means be described as pleasant but it felt as if she was watching the embarrassment be forced upon someone else, she was present and yet emotionally detached from the whole experience. Tony was, of course, emotionally invested enough for both of them and came barging in at the point where her sexual indiscretions had been laid bare for all to see. And while Parsons did in deed cease the questioning he couldn't help but get in a parting blow before leaving entirely.

"At least one of you is going down for this Miss David, and personally I don't think your odds are looking all that promising right now. If you were to be forth coming and cooperative I might be able to convince my superiors to take the death penalty off the table."

And then he came close enough, uncomfortably so in fact, to whisper so that only she could here,

"And I might even consider sparing your friends if I could find a scape goat"

Again Tony played the night in shining armour perfectly and less than eloquently demanded that Parsons remove himself before it was done for him. However, once Parsons had finally vacated interrogation Tony's behaviour did not soften, the target of his anger merely shifted.

"I can't believe you, after everything we've been through, after everything I've put on the line for you, you couldn't even have the decency to tell me you'd slept with him."

She was too tired for this. Right now fighting back took too much effort. She had been fighting non-stop for months, really for her whole life, and right now she just couldn't do it anymore, especially not with him. So instead she just stood there and took the body blows, finding them all the more painful with the knowledge that she deserved every one. And eventually, like Parsons, Tony was done with the exception of one final parting blow,

"I don't even know why I wasted my time with you."

And with that it felt as if there was nothing left to fight for, all that was left was retreat.

In search of a distraction she decided that checking Abby's progress on the forensics of their latest case would be a productive one which would also, hopefully, take her mind off the downward spiral of her life, her career and her relationship with Him. But of course fate did always take joy in kicking her while she was down.

"Did you hear that this horrible Parsons guy is sniffing around Gibbs as well now, Timmy? I mean what if he goes to jail, what if we lose him? This can't be happening, I won't believe it. I mean why couldn't Ziva just show some self-control for once in her life and do what she was told? I thought we'd finally seen the end of Mossad assassin barbie, but no, here she is again like a bad penny. I thought she'd finally changed Timmy."

"It's part of who she is Abs, I don't think she's ever going to completely let it go."

"I wouldn't care if she was only hurting herself but every time she does this she ends up taking everyone else down with her and I won't stand for it anymore. Life was so much simpler when Kate was here, why can't we just go back to that where everything was happy and easy?"

At that moment it felt as if her personal black hole had wrapped itself around her heart and was sucking it out through her feet. After all this time, after everything, all she was, when it came down to it, was an unwelcome replacement. That was all she had ever been. These people had become her life, the only ones she had to turn to, her family in place of the biological one that had been torn away. She had given up everything for them, and yet she still wasn't enough. All it took was one little mistake and they were all ready to turn their backs on her and through her to the wolves.

And yet she couldn't bring herself to hate them. It didn't matter how they felt about her, to her they were family and she loved them with all that she had. It didn't matter if they didn't feel the same.

In that moment she realised there was nothing left to fight for, nothing to come back to even if she won. She had always imagined her life to end on the battle field in a blaze of gunfire and had consoled herself with the fact that she might accomplish good in her final moments, something to make her existence worthwhile. And while she wasn't signing her death warrant she was marking the end of her life and at least she could accomplish something by it. The team would not survive without their fearless leader but they would survive without her.

Reaching into her jacket pocket her fingers met the business card Parsons had slipped her along with his parting jibe. She considered it for a moment and then, in the end, it was Abby who made up her mind.

"I just want everything to go back to the way it was before, Timmy"

"I know Abs, I know"

She dialled the number, being more certain of this decision than any other she had made since January.

"Miss David, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Is your offer still open?"

"Well, my superiors aren't too fond of making deals, I don't think I could guarantee taking the death penalty off the table AND immunity for your friends."

"But you could guarantee me one of them."

"Well yes, I pretty sure I could ask for life in prison if you're willing to talk"

"That's not what I'm interested in."

"I'm sorry, you want the immunity for your friends but not guarantee of your own life."

"Is that not what I said?"

"Yes. Well, that can be arranged but I will need your testimony first."

"Where do you wish to meet?"

"Come by my office and we can work out the details"

"I will see you in an hour"

And with that she signed her own death warrant.

Knowing it is the end is a funny feeling, it makes everything more significant. Ziva had never thought she would savour an elevator ride but so much had happened within these metallic walls over the last eight years. But much like her time at NCIS, all too soon it was over.

As she strode to her desk she noticed that both Tony and Gibbs were at theirs. From Tony's body language she could tell he was still fuming, which was only confirmed by how he blatantly ignored her as she sat down. She closed her eyes for a moment and took it all in, the low buzz of conversation in the squadroom, the slight breeze on her face from the aircon, the glare on her face from the annoying skylight; she really was going to miss this place, this life.

She collected her ID from her top drawer but left her sig, it would be of no use to her now anyway, and besides she only needed the ID to hand it in, a formality. Across from her and beside her the two most important men in her life sat completely ignorant of what she was about to do, but it was better that way, she had always hated goodbyes.

Gibbs looked worn and tired but stoic as always. She would miss the comfort she had found in him, the father she had always dreamt of. But she was not the only one that needed him and it was not fair to sacrifice him for her transgressions.

Tony still looked tense and tightly wound, if the force with which he was typing was anything to go by he had far from gotten over the revelations of her past. He would never want her, not now, not after he knew the truth about just how dirty and worthless she was. And that made this easier, she had nothing to leave behind, nothing to come back to.

"I'm heading out. I need to clear my head after Parsons…"

Tony didn't even acknowledge her and for that she was grateful. Gibbs simply replied with his usual curt nod, his gut obviously still unaware of her plan and evidencing his preoccupation with his own precarious legal situation.

And with that she left, the same way as she had first arrived with back pack slung over one shoulder and with the suspicion of the NCIS MCRT surrounding her. It was eerie how little had changed in all that time and yet how much.

The last time she had been interrogated had been a few weeks after her return from Somalia and on that occasion she had told Gibbs she had walked through the streets of Mogadishu with nothing but death in her heart, with nothing worth returning to or living for. And here she was again, back where she began, alone with nothing but a mission to sustain her. Overall she thought she had done quite well, there was no way she had considered she would ever see her 30th Birthday, so the past 6 months could just be looked at as a bonus.

As she walked out the front doors of the NCIS building she felt the sun beat down on her. She stopped, savouring the warmth on her skin, knowing she might never feel it again. Then she put her head down, squared her shoulders and walked towards her car.

It is what it is. And for her, this was it.


End file.
